Communication is one of the key components of a successful relationship. You and your partner might have different communication styles, but there’s no reason you can’t foster healthy communication with each other —even when you’re angry. It’s tempting to want to yell, point fingers, and bring up irrelevant topics when you’re angry or frustrated. But that won’t get you anywhere. Instead, focus on healthy, positive communication. Working things through, especially when you’re angry, can end up helping your relationship and making you a stronger couple.
With that in mind, let’s look at six healthy communication tips for when you’re angry with your partner.
1. Take a Break
While you shouldn’t brush things under the rug, it’s okay to take a step back from the conversation when you’re angry. Explain to your partner that you need some time to cool off, and make a genuine effort to do just that. They will appreciate that you want to speak to them with a clear, level head, and it will give you a chance to collect your thoughts and say what you really mean without being overshadowed by anger.
2. Use “I” Statements
When you’re angry with someone, it’s easy to blame them for just about everything. Even if something is technically your partner’s fault, approach the situation with “I” statements rather than accusing them of everything. When you’re accusatory, your partner is more likely to get defensive. When you use “I” statements, they’ll better understand how you feel.
3. Be Compassionate
Even if you’re angry, it’s important to be compassionate toward your partner’s point of view. They have/had a reason for saying or doing what they did, and it’s always a good rule of thumb to put yourself in their shoes—at least for a few minutes—to understand their motive. Whether you think they’re completely wrong isn’t the point. If you’re having a hard time showing that compassion, ask them about it. Don’t be afraid to be an active listener and learn their motives directly from them rather than making assumptions.
4. Don’t Push Their Buttons
Chances are, you know exactly what gets under your partner’s skin. Just because you’re angry with them doesn’t mean you have to push those buttons and say things you know will upset them. It isn’t a time for name-calling or suggesting ideas that will upset them. Instead, choose to be respectful. Remember that you love this person, even though you might be frustrated with them right now. The last thing you want is to say something you’ll regret later.
5. Don’t Bring Up Past Hurts
Not only should you avoid purposely saying things to upset your partner, but you also shouldn’t bring up past hurts. By bringing up issues you’ve had in the past or other arguments that were “resolved,” you’re showing your partner that you haven’t forgiven them for those things. It can lead to a lot of resentment and frustration. If you’re still holding on to past hurts, pick a time and place to talk them through. When you’re angry about something else, however, stick to the topic at hand.
6. Remember You’re On the Same Team
It’s important to remember that you and your partner have the same wants and goals. You’re on the same team. You might have different ways of expressing yourself or achieving those goals. But, at the end of the day, they aren’t your enemy. Shifting your perspective and choosing to see your partner in a positive light when you’re angry can make a big difference.
Keep these healthy communication tips in mind the next time you’re angry with your partner. They can help you avoid an argument, work through confusion and conflict, and become even stronger as a couple.
Reach out if you need support. Couples counseling can help you understand how to communicate successfully with your partner.
